A man comes home to find
his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?"
demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found
out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to
do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that
thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas
with you... I want to see how you're going to live on
$1000 a year!"
Blackjack
Dealer
A blackjack dealer and a
player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing
about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
dealer.
The player said, "When I
get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer
obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I
tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you
eat out do you tip the waiter?" ... "Yes."
"Well then, he serves you
food; I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter
gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight!"
Luck in Las
Vegas
Ned was down on his luck in
Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had
to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the
men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used
the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He
took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and
turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest
dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told
his incredible story. He told his audiences that he
was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he
ever found the man he would share his fortune with
him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience
jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who
gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm
looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door
open!"
Smith and
Jones
Two friends, Smith and
Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the
casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was
gone, he would go set on the bench and wait for the
other to finish. Jones quickly lost all of his money
and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and
waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, he
saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of
coins.
"Hey, Jones," said Smith,
"how'd you do?" "Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me
here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like
you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I
find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show
it to you-you can't lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A
DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!"
Stop Son
Gambling
"I want you to help me
stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his
boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from
but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the
principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I
think I've cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at
my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How much?' I said, and he
said "$5 "
"What happened?" asked the
father.
"Well, he tugged my beard,
which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm
sure that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the
father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull
your beard with your permission by the end of the
week!"
Vacation in
Vegas
Three buddies decided to
take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas.
The week flew by and they all had a great time. After
they returned home and the men went back to work, they
sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't
think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back,
my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11"
all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know
what you mean...my old lady played black jack the
whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all
night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I
haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You
guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the
slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each
morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters."
Blackjack
Dealer
A blackjack dealer and a
player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing
about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
dealer.
The player said, "When I
get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer
obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I
tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you
eat out do you tip the waiter?" ... "Yes."
"Well then, he serves you
food; I'm serving you cards, so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter
gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight!"
Won
$100,000
A group from Chicago spent
a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on
that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know
about it, so he decided not to return with the others,
but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He
immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug
a hole and planted the money in it. The following
morning he walked outside and found only an empty
hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to
the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.
On the same street lived a professor who understood
sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken
the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.
"You tell this guy that if
he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill
him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor
conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend
replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard,
underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned
to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to
tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
